• A great laugh … I wonder if we could all do this?  What a great prank – disturbing yet HIlarious!  H/T Neatorama

• Well, this is sh**ty news:  AIDS is top cause of death for young women
• DAMN addictive typing game! Very useful.
• The GOP always will have a “women problem” as long as they keep insulting feminism.
• Urban birds rap? And, cows have regional dialects?
• Rumsfeld was both the youngest AND oldest Secretary of Defense in history … hmm.
• Oldish news that has doubtfully improved ... MRSA on hospital keyboards … ugh: “Research shows as many as 25% of keyboards carry MRSA – one of a number of hospital-acquired infections which kill 5,000 people each year in the UK.”
• Tips on how to survive a plane crash.
• Where was I when scientists decided the egg was first?
• Camels milk to go with your camel’s milk chocolate?
• Salon.com has some pretty amazing stuff in its gift shop
• Where have these Firefox tricks been all my life?
• Part AT-AT part cannon or what?
• I’m sure knowing how to make a Bechamel sauce will eventually come in handy.
• Beautiful drawing.
• “Matt Taibbi is wrong about enough things that’s it’s getting to be hard for me to take him seriously even about the things he’s right about. I’m not going into the litany right now, though Tim Fernholz’s TAPPED post about his latest piece is more important than he’s been given credit for. Taibbi admits he confused two Jamie Rubins in his Rolling Stone article on Obama economic team, but in his correction, he says, ‘there is indeed a factual error in the piece — a minor biographical detail that identifies Bob Rubin’s son Jamie as a former Clinton diplomat.’ Yes, but. The mistake is one that someone familiar with the territory in DC wouldn’t have made.”
• I s’pose we oughtta keep this on hand.
• I’d eat at one of Morimoto’s street food kiosks or restaurants. … whatever, I’d eat anywhere Morimoto said was good.
• Very neat painted sketch.
• Bizarre bizarre bizarre: “Who is a Jew? And who gets to decide?”
• Well if this peanut butter frozen pie with candied bacon doesn’t look like the yummiest thing ever, I don’t know what does!
• It’s always nice when Big Bird does an interview.

This thing made me laugh out loud, as one of the stranger attempts at edginess that I’ve ever seen.  Yeah, man, my condiment choices have really been limiting me.  For the record:

Nobody wants you to tone it down.  Your sandwich cream is not distressing to me in the slightest.  Maybe shave a little, though.

Then, it pissed me off:

What the fuck?  Why you gotta take a random swipe at mayonnaise?  Look, you can have your litlle punk-rock-kiddie-pool-party, but do not fuck with mayo.  Mayo will end you.  You think people like bacon?  See what happens if you try to take away their mayo.

Besides, mayo is not bland.  Mayo rules.  Try mixing chipotle sauce with Miracle Whip, see what you get.

In fact, maybe you all should just tone it down.  Fuckin’ condiment terrorists!

Here’s the “before picture” of the dry-rubbed ribs.  Check back later to see how they come out.  After the jump, I’ll tell you how to make your own dry rub.

The first rule of dry rub is “You don’t talk about dry rub.”  That’s why I’m not giving you my recipe.  Rub recipes are like fingerprints that you keep hidden at all times in kevlar gloves, or snowflakes in a very cold, impenetrable vault.  Each one is different, and you never share it with anyone, ever.  This was the least believable part of “Grindhouse Presents: Planet Terror.”

I like to make a big batch of dry rub all at once, but if you aren’t going to use it that often, get out your calculator and cut it down by half.  Also, whenever possible, I use freshly ground spices.  If you don’t already have one, go buy a coffee grinder that you’ll use only for spices.  To keep it clean and non-rusty, fill it with dry oatmeal when you’re finished, hitting the grind button a few times.

Here’s a general recipe for your rub:

16 oz. light brown sugar, tightly packed, or half dark brown and half sugar-in-the-raw

6 oz. kosher or sea salt (do NOT use granulated salt)

2 oz. chili powder

1 oz  black pepper (or other mix of peppers – black, white, red, green)

1 oz  cayenne pepper (or other hot pepper powder)

1 oz  onion powder

These last 3 ingredients are where you get to apply your stamp to the rub.  Try a few things until you find a combination you like.

1 oz  hot ingredient – A hot spice blend like creepily-named Essence of Emeril, or even a packet of taco seasoning will do the trick, or you could blend several types of dried chiles in your new spice grinder.  Mix in some smoked paprika if you like.

1 oz  savory ingredient – Something like Montreal Steak seasoning is good here.  I use my own steak rub in this spot.  You can combine steak seasoning with Adobo, too.

1 oz  dried herbs – sage, thyme, or cilantro are good.

With this general outline, you can make other substitutions that you think might be good.  Grind your spices before combining in a container with a lid.  Shake it up really well.  If you use the raw sugar, run it through the blender real quick.

This rub is good for back ribs, spare ribs, pork shoulder, really any braised pork recipe.

Lay your ribs out on heavy-duty foil or double-folded normal foil, on top of a sheet pan.  Put a handful of rub on them with your dry hand, and spread it around with your pork hand.  (The “dry hand” never touches the pork, and the “pork  hand” never touches anything but the pork and what’s on it.  Don’t mix up the hands, or you’ll be watching Law & Order in the lobby of the ER instead of enjoying your awesome dinner.)

Press the rub into the meat, turn the ribs over, and repeat.  Crimp the foil at the top/center of the ribs, and crimp one end shut.  Leave the other end open for your cooking liquid.

Here’s another way to make the recipe your own.

Cooking liquid:

3/4 cup white wine – You need the wine, but you can reduce it to 1/2 cup and add in something else, like a shot of Maker’s Mark or a strong, dark beer.
2 tablespoons vinegar – White wine or apple cider are good.  Dark vinegars, not so much.
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon sweet syrup – I use molasses, but other choices are honey, dark maple syrup, or whatever else you can think of.
2 cloves garlic, mashed and minced

Stir the liquid, nuke it for about a minute, stir it again, and pour it into the open end of your foil.  Fold it shut tightly, but don’t crimp.  You need to be able to pour it out when you’re done.  Tilt the tray back and forth to distribute the cooking liquid.

If you want to add a smoky flavor, add a couple of slices of smoked bacon, but make sure you cook most of the fat off, first, or your barbecue sauce will look like a lava lamp.

Cook in a 250 degree oven for 3 hrs.  If you have time, cut the heat to 225 and add an hour.  The ribs will be that much more tender.

When they’re done, open one end of the foil and pour the remaining liquid into a saucepan.  Simmer over medium-high heat until it reduces by about half.  Carefully open the foil (watch out for steam) and brush the glaze on top of the ribs.  Place the ribs, foil open, under a high broiler for a couple of minutes, just until the glaze bubbles and browns a little.

The remaining glaze will be the base for your sauce.  This can be as simple or as fancified as you want.  I like a sweet sauce, so I whisk in a half-cup or so of brown  sugar, ’til it dissolves.  Squeeze in a cup or so of ketchup (or if you’re some kind of purist, make your own frakkin’ ketchup), whisk, and cook on medium heat for 5 minutes or so.  Taste it.  If it’s too spice, cut it with some more brown sugar.  If you want it spicier, whisk in some more of your rub.  You can also mellow it out with some tomato paste.

For the corn, you can roast/grill it in the husks if you like, but I just use sheets of tinfoil, 1 for each ear.  Brush the foil with the corn dressing, then put the corn on the foil and brush the top of it.  You can snip in some more dill with scissors if you like.  Crimp the foil and roast the corn under the broiler or on the grill for 20-25 minutes, turning 4 times.  For the grill, you can unwrap them at the end and give them a few minutes on the grill to get some markings.

When you serve the corn, you can brush them again with the dressing.  This corn dressing is sofa king good, you might just skip the rest of the meal.

Corn dressing recipe:

2 sticks butter, cut in pieces

1/4 teaspoon pepper

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

2 tablespoons country-style dijon mustard

2 teaspoons horseradish

1 tablespoon chopped fresh dill

Put everything but the butter and dill in a saucepan over medium to low heat.  Whisk it all together, then begin whisking in the butter a few pieces at a time.  Don’t stop whisking, or it’s lava-lamp time.  If the sauce starts to bubble, remove from heat momentarily, and keep whisking in the butter.

Once all of the butter is integrated, remove from heat ans whisk in the dill.

For a mellower sauce, you can use up to another stick of butter without it separating.

A great, simple vegetable idea for this meal is brussels sprouts with chopped bacon.  Chop 2 slices of bacon (I use meat shears) and begin to cook over medium-high heat.  Once it starts to sizzle, add a pound of frozen baby brussels sprouts, thawed partially in the microwave, and saute for 5 miutes, stirring occasionally.

You can do the exact same thing with green beans if you don’t like the sprouts, but I swear, these are the best sprouts you’ll ever eat.  The only reason you don’t like brussels sprouts now is you’ve never had them cooked right.

I’ll be back later to show you how dinner turned out.

Update: Oh, yeah.

According to a White House staffer, the place is lousy with the things, and they’re used not only to cook outdoor fare for the President, but also by White House staff when the opportunity presents itself.

Oh, but that’s not all.  Behind the trusty Sputnik was a sight to quicken the pulse of any charcoal aficionado:

A chimney starter!

No pile of smoke-billowing Match Light for these folks!

Now, finicky grillers like TV’s Alton Brown swear that if you’re not sporting a Sputnik with a chimney starter, you’re not really grilling.  Personally, I favor the hassle-free convenience of a gas rig, especially since I don’t have a team of production assistants to handle the extra grunt work involved.  (Those are my patented bacon-wrapped bananas.  *not really patented)

The same staffer told me that the President gets a bill for all the food that he, his family, and personal guests eat at the White House.  I checked it out, and it’s true, so next time he asks if you’ve seen the price of arugula lately, you can bet that he has.

Well, wait no longer, bacon fans, because we have a porcine pandemic on our hands, and it is called “swine flu”. This, on top of avian flu and mad cow disease, has rendered most livestock inedible for fear of prions/chickenpox/hoof-and-mouth-disease/death. Soy burgers are looking pretty good now, huh? (Not really. Soy burgers are gross. Give me festering prions any day.)

So far, 20 cases have been confirmed in the United States, with the only deaths – 103 suspected and 22 confirmed, at last count – occurring in Mexico. Suspected instances of the disease are present in New Zealand and Israel, with the World Health Orgaization warning that the disease could become a global problem very shortly. A public health emergency was declared in the United States as well. Funnily enough, according to Reuters, there’s no evidence that contact with pigs has anything to do with the cases observed. So why is it called swine flu? It is a mystery. (ETA: The virus has genetic elements from pigs, but also humans and birds, so really it should be called Mutant Flu.) Until there’s more information gathered, and vaccines possibly created by the CDC in bulk, the smartest thing to do is practice basic flu-season (and hopefully just basic in general) hygiene – washing hands, covering one’s mouth when one sneezes, and, in really affected areas, wearing surgical masks (provided for free by the Mexican government via the army).

Further bacon flu bulletins as events warrant. In other news, baby robins hatched next to the White House press briefing room on Thursday bear an awful resemblance to science-fiction monsters:

The beasts! They hunger!

I can’t decide if they’re cute or scary. Quite possibly they’re some strange combination of the two.

I can hardly stand to watch them mash these burgers down, a heinous practice used by every fast-food joint and short-order cook in the known universe.  Why do they do this?  WHY?  It ruins the burger.  They’re squishing out all the juicy goodness.

The other thing I can’t stand is when short-order cooks throw cheese on top, then sprinkle water on the grill and cover it with a dome to melt the cheese.  It ain’t broccoli, you don’t steam it!  WTF?

The second one doesn’t matter so much, since I’ve pretty much sworn off cheese on my burgers.  It’s a much purer experience.

Here’s how you make a perfect burger.  Preheat your grill to RFH (Really F-ing Hot).  Grab a ball of ground beef, 80% lean, about the size of a baseball.  Press it in your (clean) hands to form a disc about an inch thick, making it slightly thinner in the center.  This’ll keep them from going all round when they cook.

Season well with kosher or sea salt, and either pepper or your favorite steak rub.  (Try this one: 1 part coriander, 1 part black pepper, 1 part white pepper, 1/4 part mustard seed, 1/2 part cumin seed, 1 part garlic powder, 5 parts onion powder, ground finely in your coffee grinder)

Cook 2-21/2 minutes on each side, then remove to tinfoil. Flip only once!  Do NOT poke a hole in it with your spatula to “test” its doneness.  Or I will hurt you.

Wrap loosely and let them sit for 5 minutes.  While the burgers are resting, toast your buns on the grill for about 30 seconds.

Ruin them with ketchup if you must, but I use mayo, a little on the bottom and more on top.  You can mix some chipotle sauce with the mayo if you like, or hot sauce.

The only kind of cheese I’ll put on a burger anymore is bleu cheese.  And don’t stuff your burgers with cheese, that just means you have to cook them to well, ruining them completely.

Bacon I will only use if I have awesome barbecue sauce to go with it.

Now, that’s how the eff you treat a burger.

Here are some pictures of the burger-making process, along with a few others.  Bacon-wrapped bananas on the grill, and banana brulee’ a la mode, which I’ll probably explain some other time.

Actor Kal Penn was killed off on House last night, paving the way for him to become my newest co-worker, sort of.  Kal will be working at the White House as Chief Tiny Hamburger Procurer.  Or something.  I gotta give him props for taking the pay cut, and right in the prime of his career.  Maybe he’ll be the next Ahnuld, or Jesse Ventura.

Where will DailyKos get their tinfoil?

Redstate raises the spectre of Alaskan incest, but who the eff is Levi Johnson?

Another good day to be gay.

Chia Obama is not racist.  Obama Snuggies are a different story.

Franken pulls ahead.   That race is tighter than a frog’s relationship with his mom.

Do they also have a top-secret “Dry Rub” program?

White People Problems

Don’t forget to lick the stamp.

Birfers birth a new, weirder conspiracy:  Obama made up the controversy to distract everyone from…all the shit they wrote about anyway.  This is progress.

Allahpundit has a sickening Limbaugh story, and O’Reilly defending Rush on Letterman.  He also gets fished in by the iPod joke.

Tonight’s homework:  The GOP budget alternative.

From OhHellNawl: A prom dress for optimistic girls.

Weird.  I just called the RNC today about the clothes, and now, Todd is talking about them. He’s right, of course, the RNC went way overboard.  You don’t need even a dollar-fifty to make Palin look good.

Isn’t dissing Crocs so 5 minutes ago?

Yeah, EFF married people!

If you like TV, read this guy every day.

Redstate gets compared to a militia by Crooks and Liars.  My takeaway?  Those bastards quote Erickson more than they quote me!

Give us your quickies in the comments.

I was watching “Chopped” on the Food Network, and one of the contestants made these. OMFG! I might have to go out and buy some bacon and bananas right effing now. I am drooling like Homer Simpson.

So, the bacon is obviously the Republicans. I guess that makes me the banana. Eh, let’s back away from this metaphor.

Maybe the lesson here is that, while it sounds great, it ain’t great for you.

Why did I watch that show? I am the salivation and the light.